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16 April 2013
By: Danny Singer
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, lived a prince called Tom Siebel. In the valleys and forests of his realm roamed mysterious creatures called Customers. Customers were elusive beings which appeared out of nowhere, went into village shops, purchased random items and disappeared without a trace back into the woods whence they came from.
One day, Tom's father, the King and Oracle of The Red Wood, decreed that he would offer half of his kingdom to the gallant knight who proved able to find and capture his Customers. Many brave men came forward to try their hand at hunting down these mysterious Customers.
Some tried marketing spells, others set advertising traps, but still the Customers remained hard to find. However, Prince Tom was a clever chap and he set about observing the behaviour of Customers in their natural habitat.
He noted down everything they did in his vast notebook, studying their behaviour and giving each Customer a label. He called his notebook the Big Book of CRM. His results showed that even though all Customers were different and unique, each one of them behaved in a more or less predictable way.
Once he got that right, the rest was easy, or so he thought. All he needed to do now was to send his troops out armed with the Big Book of CRM, and they would easily be able to catch scores of Customers in no time.
However, he had overlooked one essential thing…
His soldiers were poorly trained, paid barely more than the minimum wage and had no idea how to use the Big (and heavy!) Book of CRM to capture their Customers. Some tried throwing the Big Book at the occasional Customer but all that did was cause random injuries, bumps and bruises. Customers were simply running rings around Tom's demoralised men.
Then one day a young knight called Synth happened to wander through the kingdom in his relentless but sadly fruitless pursuit of distraught damsels in need of rescuing. When he saw how distressed the Prince's troops were, he decided to stop and help them instead.
He had a simple but brilliant idea…
He rode three days and three nights deep into the forest until he came upon the cave where his old friend, Jamie the Wizard was roasting a dragon over an open barbecue. They feasted heartily on rare winged reptile with a rocket and mozzarella salad and rustic rosemary focaccia.
Then they set upon the task of writing a recipe book based loosely upon the raw ingredients found in the great Big Book of CRM. When it was done they named it The Book of Call Scriptures. So Synth took a few copies back through The Red Wood and gave them to some of Tom's soldiers.
As soon as the soldiers started following the recipes, all that stuff in the Big Book of CRM started to make sense! Even the clumsiest of Tom's troops became successful and began to deliver hundreds of captive Customers.
And so it came to pass from that day on, each and every one of Tom's men carry two books; the Big Book of CRM and Synth's Book of Call Scriptures and continue to capture Customers with ease. Tom rewarded Synth with an 85% cocoa solids chocolate medal and went on to claim 50% of his dad's kingdom, and they all lived happily ever after…Or did they...?
Despite his short-lived success, Tom never really understood why Synth's book worked and continued to believe that his Big Book of CRM was all that was really needed. He was wrong. Only a few years later, the great Oracle king repossessed his declining half kingdom and the tragic Prince hasn't been seen since... Who knows, perhaps CRM is not all you need?